I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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