Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my poor anus
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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