just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
