last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize