The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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