I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
