you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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