one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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