i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
