The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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