The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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