Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
