I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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