Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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