I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
