now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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