That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
