Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
