I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
