I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
