You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
