3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
