she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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