I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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