omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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