My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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