Since when is my name a synonym for head?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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