How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
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