wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
