I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
