I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
