You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
