Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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