Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
