That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
