: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
