i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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