i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
