so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
