I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
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I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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