after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
