How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
