I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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