You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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