I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
