i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
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