All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
