I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
