we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
