Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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