She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
