he thought i was a dude.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
