I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
