arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
